Alliance for Catholic Education
“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.” (Psalm 23:5)
Since my first year of teaching, I had made a rather poor habit of spending inordinate amounts of time after school sitting in my car on my phone to decompress – but ultimately to distract myself – from the mental, emotional, and spiritual stresses of long days of teaching, leading, and loving hundreds of high schoolers. There came a point though, that I felt even more pressed than normal. On top of the challenge of learning and teaching two new classes of content this semester, loomed the question of “What comes next?” While we are rightly encouraged to be as present as possible, the uncertainty of life post-ACE came as almost a welcome distraction from a present filled with stressful challenges that I felt overwhelmed and underequipped to handle.
Another familiar escape was nostalgia – missing the places, people, and experiences that felt comfortable and familiar in other places. Between dwelling on happy moments from the recent ACE summer or dreaming about where I might end up after ACE, I was putting my mental energy and spiritual focus anywhere besides the present.
A tough but honest conversation with my mentor teacher helped to alleviate some of the weight off my shoulders. I glimpsed the potential of a fresh start, but the way forward still felt foggy and shrouded with uncertainty.
Early the next week, when I pulled into my driveway, instead of turning to mindless scrolling, I called a friend in ACE on the East coast, seeking solace and familiarity. She listened with empathy and shared characteristic wisdom that brought me back to reality.
“If you need to, take an hour after school and just sit there and feel whatever you need to feel to decompress from the day, but then take a step back. Take a housemate and go for a walk. Instead of worrying about what’s next, just go out and do something to appreciate the place where you are right now. You don’t know how long or if you’ll ever live on this side of the country again – so enjoy it for all it is while you’re here.”
Two days later, I did just that. I left school and resolved to take an afternoon to simply enjoy being where I was – in one of the most beautiful places my placement city has to offer, the San Jose Rose Garden.
I sat on a bench with my Bible open and paused to reflect – not on the meaning of life, nor on thinking about what would come after ACE or any upcoming deadlines– but to look around at the beauty of the gifts in the place I am right now. God’s gentle hand led me to the Gospel of Mark, where the words of Christ came alive like never before: “No one who has left home or brothers or sisters of mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields – along with persecutions – and in the age to come eternal life.”
I thought back to Fr. Lou’s homily from ACE Mass over the summer about the cost of following Christ, and the gift we have to live this out so directly in ACE – all we gain in giving ourselves to God and saying yes to go where He calls. Including “along with persecutions,” Jesus knows saying yes to His call will not be easy, but His faithful promises of goodness persevere. Tears filled my eyes as I recognized afresh the gifts God has brought into my life through saying yes to ACE and in San Jose. Homes: the back patio of the San JosACE house where we share community dinner. Brothers, sisters: my community members – Catie, Grace, Audrey, and Matt – who make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts and remind me how much I have to be grateful for in this season right now. Mothers - pastoral support from ACE as well as supportive colleagues at my school who teach and guide me. Perhaps most especially, children: the students I am blessed to teach, love, and lead day in and day out, as we together learn what it looks like to follow Christ and become more of who He calls us to be. The “fields” I left – the comfort in places I’ve called home, including disciplinary fields of study before saying yes to ACE. I felt so at rest trusting that the God who led me to ACE will surely utilize all of the experiences, knowledge, and growth from this time to continue to make an impact more fulfilling than I could imagine – and yes, He knows it will be hard, but He is with me at every step.
Later that weekend, I went back to the rose garden with my dear housemate Grace, and instead of looking ahead to the October full of deadlines, ACE formal observation, lessons yet to be planned, I simply sat and rested in the joy of being where I was with the people God had given me. In this place of peace, I found myself in Psalm 23, where these words stood out to me:
“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.”
I realized the discouragement and fear I had been allowing to dictate my perspective had taken my eyes off the most important thing- the reality right in front of me. Instead, this fresh reminder of God’s mercy and grace beside me – even and especially in the midst of challenges and fear – reinvigorated me to live more present than ever before rather than approaching each day as a burden to just “get through.” I look up at my bedroom wall - the recently mounted collage of photos from my time in ACE – and am surrounded by these visible reminders of the faithfulness of God. In giving up what is comfortable, easy, familiar, and surrendering these years to the Lord, I have gained so much. Instead of fearfully overwhelmed by the present challenges or worries about the future, I’m filled with abundant gratitude for the people, places & purpose right here, that I used to dream about.
So in the midst of all that lies ahead (*cough* October *cough*), I’m realizing that peace isn’t dependent on a place or an answer, but on a Person. God prepares a table filled with an abundant feast right in front of me, even on the days I feel overwhelmed, discouraged, or uncertain about what’s to come. Instead of mindlessly scrolling, or fearfully ruminating on my long-term purpose, I want to keep taking these moments to simply thank and renew my trust in the faithful God who invites me to join with Him in the abundant feast– if I’ll only pause to enjoy it with Him. Because of the goodness and faithful mercy of God, I look around me at the sisters, brothers, homes, children and fields saying “yes” to ACE has brought me and I can declare with confidence: “You anoint my head with oil – my cup overflows.”